You Snooze, You Lose All of Your Worldly Possessions

Remember how the first kid to fall asleep at the sleepover was ruthlessly harassed?  Shaving cream on the hand, male anatomy drawn on the face with a black sharpie, roofies in the martini- you know, the usual.  When you become a parent, you realize that all of these pranks would work great on an unsuspecting toddler- especially one with a very limited long term memory. 

Not as illegal as roofies but equally sadistic is what I call the "Nap Purge" whereby I start throwing sh!t away the second my kid falls asleep.  Early on, I made the rookie mistake of throwing these cherished items in the kitchen trash, only to have them rediscovered and placed back in the playroom- now covered in trash juice and e coli.  It didn't take me long to realize I needed a more secure dump site- and because I am a genius, I found it. 

What is the one place in your house that is so vile that neither man nor beast dares approach?  The one place that no one would ever look for their prized possessions? That's right, the diaper pail.  It didn't take me long to figure out that I could dispose of absolutely anything in the diaper pail and it would be gone forever.  Murder weapons, forged tax returns, drug money- it all just disappears in the diaper pail.  I may not have a Diaper Genie per se, but this diaper pail is equally magical and requires fewer scented refills.

My kid fell asleep at 11 am today which is unusually dangerous, since I still have energy at 11 am.  I immediately started scanning the room to prepare for the Nap Purge, and this day did not disappoint.  In the pail today: two busted pairs of ratty princess shoes, one sneaker missing a match, a Happy Meal toy that once resembled a Transformer, a shredded tutu, 46 markers with mismatched caps, and one hot pink lava lamp.  

When my child awakes, she will be blissfully unaware that anything is amiss.  She'll never remember that stepped-on ping pong ball that she's been carrying around for the last two months and calling Mr. Toodles.  She'll soon forget the ripped piece of diaper box that was the princess castle bed.  But you know what?  A few more naps and I may just be able to see my living room floor again.  In the world of parenting, that's what we like to call winning.