At some point while I wasn't paying attention, this blog reached 10,000 page views. Now, I know for a fact that some of those page views are coming from spammers in Russia. But who cares- aren't Russian robots people too? I say they are, and welcome them to the Snark Side family. Also, I have spent three or four entire days just clicking on my own posts to drive the stats up. You can't win the election if you don't vote for yourself- that's what I say. In any event, a whole mess of people have read this blog since it began, and I am very thankful for that. This blog gives me an outlet to both spread my crazy to the world, and also to act as birth control for several of you. I am honored- and I'm now also considered an "in-network provider" by several insurance companies. The more horrifying tales I tell, the fewer of you pop out expensive babies who will also cause you to seek extensive psychotherapy on a fairly regular basis for 18 years straight. I'm humbled, really I am.
Now that I have your ear, can I warn those childless readers about one of the single biggest threats to human sanity???? Once you have kids, you will quickly discover that they can be super annoying- and can keep you from even the simplest of tasks. I once spent an entire day trying to wash ONE dish. Just one. Once you realize you can't accomplish anything with minions underfoot, you will lay rubber all over the road to the nearest store and snap up every un-vaulted Disney movie you can get your drool-encrusted hands on. (DON'T get me started about the damn Disney vault. Gee, let's make it impossible to buy our products! Sounds like a winning business formula to me!) You will throw that movie into the bluray so fast that you'll have to use a blowtorch to melt the security packaging off. And press the movie in. And wait.
What you'll see is one of world's true human rights violations. A kind voice will tell you "This DVD is equipped with Disney's Fastplay." Oh, awesome, you think. A fast way to just get to the movie. I'll click on that. Thanks, Disney. You've clearly recognized that I am a stretched parent with little time on my hands, and you've decided to make at least one thing in my life fast. I really appreciate that.
WRONG. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. Fastplay takes longer than childbirth. And I'm talking about my 30 and 24 hour labors- not your six hour bullshit. 9,237 previews later, as your child is screaming and waving some type of small axe-like toy, you realize you're an idiot. "Fastplay" actually means 900 previews, four commercials, more previews (likely for movies you can't even buy) and then finally- the actual menu of the movie. Now, you're probably saying, who cares? Shut your trap and watch some previews. (You're saying that to me though, not my kids. Say that to my kids and I'll shank your ass.) Let me tell you why it matters.
It matters because it's wrong to lie. It's wrong to offer battle-weary parents something "fast" and then yank it away. It's wrong to sit in your swanky little office in Orlando and leave us to deal with the "BUT THIS ISN'T MY MOVIE!!! WHERE'S MY MOVIE???!!!??? I WANT AURORA!!!! MAKE IT PLAY AURORA!!!! I WANT GOLDFISH!!!!! MY SHOES HURT!!!" and so on and so forth- headlong into total meltdown.
Thanks for ruining my day, Disney. You really know how to drive me right to the brink of mental ruin and threaten everything I hold dear. Don't worry though, I will soon visit you and spend $4,400 on half-day passes. Per person. Can't wait! Seriously though, I can't wait.
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