Where the Vacuum Cord Ends

For the last several days, my kids have asked for bowls of Lucky Charms with no milk. I pour the cereal into a plastic bowl, hand it to them, and they scamper away. They keep asking for more, and I keep handing it over. I was pretty surprised that they were eating so much, because I'm pretty surprised when they eat anything that isn't a Freeze Pop. I shouldn't have let my guard down. I should have known they were plotting something. But more on that later.

Some famous person (Jerry Seinfeld or his wife?) once said that having a two year old is like running a blender without a lid. Which is true, except that if you're Jerry Seinfeld, your blender is full of fifty dollar bills, cage-free acai, and prosecco*. If you're me, the blender is full of dog hair, a piece of something that could be poop or possibly chocolate, and those really long Target coupons. That blender keeps right on running, all damn day. Juice box straws are shoved in sock drawers, a missing shoe is wedged behind the toilet tank, and there's some kind of fuzzy ball of something near the door- possibly human hair, possibly dog hair, possibly plant material, possibly from the insect kingdom, or possibly a conglomeration of all of the above. (Protip: Spray it with Raid for good measure and kick it under the couch.) None of this can ever be cleaned up unless the kids leave the house, and let's face it, if your kids actually left your house, would you spend your free time cleaning? Hells no.

Some annoying person is reading this right now and saying one of two things: 1. My little angel never makes a mess! What is wrong with this lady's kids? or 2. Teach your kids how to clean up!  Here is my rebuttal. First of all, one kid can make a mess. For each subsequent kid, that mess increases exponentially. I know about exponential growth models, because I used to be a math teacher and stuff. Second of all, I agree that kids can "pick up" their messes. If by "pick up" you mean shove stuff in places it doesn't belong and create five times the amount of work that it would have taken if you had just put it away your own damn self.

So where does all of this leave me? I mean, besides bitter. It leaves me in a perpetual Hoarders episode, punctuated by moments of sheer terror when the doorbell rings- because WHAT IF THAT PERSON WANTS TO COME IN HERE??? WHAT IF SOMEONE COMES IN THIS HOUSE AND SEES THIS??? WHAT IF SOMEONE LOOKS BEHIND THE TV AND FINDS THE PILE OF LUCKY CHARMS WITH THE MARSHMALLOWS PICKED OUT??? Seriously though, they've been picking out the marshmallows and making a pile of the leftover cereal behind the living room TV.

I can't take much more of this.



*Acai and prosecco. I don't know what either of those things are, in all honesty. I feel the need to declare that publicly. I did hear that Crystal Pepsi is coming back though. So there's that.