Bring Him Home- To the Nearest Assisted Living Facility

I went to the movies by myself yesterday, which is something I like to do because I don't care if people think I'm pathetic. I'd been wanting to see The Martian for about 5,000 weeks now, but it isn't the easiest thing to find a way to abandon my children for three straight hours. I mainly go to the movies for the popcorn- our movie theater has an "annual bucket" thingy. If you're unfamiliar with the annual bucket, it's basically a plastic trough that you purchase in January and they refill for like $4 instead of the usual price of a large popcorn- which is calibrated to the price of one 3D ticket x 27. They also sell a lid so you can take home what you don't finish. Note: If you can't finish a bucket of popcorn during a two hour movie, you're an insult to everything that America stands for.

When I bought the ticket, I was told to take two rights and head to the end of the hall, which is code for "this movie came out 42 damn weeks ago and you should have come sooner if you wanted to see it on a screen larger than your TV." As soon as I walked in to the theater, I knew it was going to be a long movie, because Florida. The average age in the room was hovering somewhere between Carter and HW Bush. (I just looked this up, actually. HW is older than Carter by 90 days. Both are 91. Still 5 years younger than most people at this movie.) Hearing aids were adjusted. Prostate pills were swallowed. Somewhere in the theater, a cellphone was blaring and absolutely no one could hear it- except me, because I'm a whippersnapper or youngin or some other old timey word like that. Below is a synopsis of the entire movie, as screamed by the charming couple seated behind me:

Man: "EDNA. EDNA! IS THE YOUNG MAN ALIVE? IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED?"
Edna: "I DON'T KNOW, DEAR. IT'S A MOVIE. YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT TO FIND OUT."
Man: "IF HE'S ALIVE, HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO LIVE ON MARS.THEY LEFT HIM."
Edna: "I KNOW THAT, DEAR. I THINK THAT'S WHAT THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT. THE YOUNG MAN HAS TO LIVE ON MARS BY HIMSELF."
Man: "WELL, HE'LL BE LUCKY IF HE SURVIVES."

While I will not spoil the end of the movie because I don't want to have to tell you that Matt Damon dies in a fiery explosion, I will tell you that everyone in the theater survived. At least long enough to make it onto the retirement home bus that was parked out front. Because Florida.