"I learned it by watching YOU!"

There are times in parenting when you realize that YOU made the situation much worse than it needed to be, and for no particular reason.  For most people, this probably happens every once in a while.  If you’re me, you do this three to five times a day, every day.  Usually, this takes the form of stubbing my toe and yelling “SHIT!!” and then proceeding to say “Don’t say shit.  Just because Mommy said shit, you shouldn’t say it.  Shit is a bad word.”  Which is usually met with “OK Mommy, I won’t say shit.”  There, problem solved! 

Last Friday, M was saying something quietly over and over again in her car seat.  I kept asking her to repeat herself, because I couldn’t understand what she was saying.  Finally, I turned around and said, “Can you yell what you’re trying to say?  Mommy can’t hear you.”  OF COURSE, I was met with this:

“WHAT THE HELL, MOMMY???”

Tim shot me the “please say I heard that wrong” look.  I shot him the “bite me, you know what you heard” look.  And to add insult to injury, I made her repeat it several more times.  I mean, what if it was just loud in the car?  What if she was really trying to say something else?  Maybe it was “I just fell, Mommy” or “What’s that smell, Mommy?”  But no, it wasn’t either of those things.  By the time we got off the highway, there was a steady stream of “What the hell, Mommies” coming from the back seat. You know, just to rub some salt in the parenting wounds.

(Imagine my horror less than 24 hours later to hear my beloved child yelling, “Mommy, I don’t like Jews!” from the dining room table.  I was relieved to discover that she does indeed like Jews- just not orange Jews. Phew, I KNEW I was a good Mom!)

Someday, (probably within the week) she will yell “What the hell!” at some poor kid at the playground, and I’ll have to act all shocked.  I’ll waddle over and exclaim with horror, “Where did you learn to say that?” just loud enough to make sure it’s heard by any other parents in earshot. She’ll turn to me and say “You, alright?  I learned it by watching you!”  Damn you, 80s public service announcements.  You’re always right.

Just in case you're too old or too young to fully appreciate what I am referring to, PLEASE, take a moment out of your day to educate yourselves by watching this: The BEST PSA of all time.

P is for Procrastination- and Pinterest

I have a new Pinterest board that is devoted to nothing more specific than whatever I feel like pinning.  Some things may be loosely related to parenting, but most of it is just randomness.  If you're a Pinterester, come on over!

http://pinterest.com/maryellenhealy/thesnarkside-blogspot-com-humor/

Baby's First Petroleum Product

I was at a swanky mall yesterday- the kind of mall where the stroller brigade is out in full force.  Don’t bring your Graco travel system there, it will be Bumbleridden over by a Double Uppa Buggaorbit.  You know that kind of place.  I was sitting on a bench, watching my kid get trampled by little flu incubators, when some random child tried to climb into my lap.  Not a little kid, an older kid.  Um, excuse me kid.  I’m fat and you smell funny, so move along.  After I realized she wasn’t going anywhere, I decided to evacuate to the nearest overpriced baby store.

I waddled around inside the store, and I made my way to the cheap(est) stuff in the back.  There was a couple there, inspecting a crib and changing table with a sales woman.  And, I sh*t you not, this is what she was telling them.  “These two together would come to $2,000.  The crib converts to a headboard, so you’re really getting your money’s worth with this one.  ALSO, this features a water based stain that is completely free of petroleum products.  You can never be to careful when it comes to your new baby- you would never want to expose them to petroleum based paint products.  It’s not worth the risk.”

Now since $2,000 is approximately $1,850 more than I spent on my petroleum drenched crib AND mattress, I got to wondering.  What do I consider “not worth the risk” for my baby???  Here’s a handy list of my personal safety tips, for your reference.

1.  If you KNOW someone is a registered sex offender, don’t let them babysit.

2.  Always put out your cigarette out before you breastfeed so you don’t get ash on your baby’s head.

3.  When you drive with your baby on your lap, make sure you put your seatbelt over the both of you. (Britney Spears only)

4.  Texas Chainsaw 3D is too graphic for toddlers- stick with the non-3D version. It’s cheaper anyway.

5.  Just my opinion, but I think those aluminum can tabs are a choking hazard.  Always remove them before giving the can of Coke to your baby.

These are just the minimum standards that any good parent should consider.  And check your crib for petroleum, apparently.  Oh, and don’t use pacifiers that have been dipped in gasoline, and inspect all diapers for antifreeze.  Because really people, it’s not worth the risk.

PS: Do not send me an email letting me know that SERIOUSLY, the petroleum in my kid’s crib is REALLY going to kill her.  I will virtually punch you.

Over the Moon? Or Under the Rear Bumper of a Sanitation Truck?

I always read that celebrities are “over the moon” when they have a baby.  What in the hell does that mean?  Because it sounds to me like they’re on drugs.  I was never “over the moon” as a new mom.  I was happy, sure.  Happy to know I wasn’t going to have to do THAT again for at least a few years.  Happy that I caught that spit up in my hand instead of blotting it off the couch.  But the only time I was ever “over the moon” was when I was literally baying at the moon at 3:00 in the morning and watching a Sham Wow infomercial for the 65^th time.  Oh yes, at that moment I was over it all right.

I think “over the moon” more likely refers to the alien planet on which you now permanently reside. You see bodily fluids straight out of Alien 3- and worse, you may even be excited to see them. Your darling husband has recently witnessed the most graphic and horrifying thing he could ever see, and yet he acted HAPPY about it.  You willingly let seven medical students examine your nether regions, because hey, they have to learn somewhere!  Yes, this must be an alternate universe.

In the end though, isn’t the point of this all just to remember all of the funny sh*t that happened?  All of the times you almost severely maimed your child but came out okay on the other side?  That’s what I’m over the moon about- free entertainment.  Unfortunately, these are the very stories that other moms want you to think make you a bad mom- and moms LOVE to judge.  So judge away, mamas!  Yes, that’s my toddler lying behind the trashcan stripping her clothes off IN the hockey rink!  And you know what?  I can’t seem to do anything about it but laugh!  And that’s fine- on MY side of the moon, we encourage letting unsafe/unsanitary situations play out for the sake of a good story.  Just as long as you’re up to date on your Tetanus shot. 

So hopefully from time to time I will have some offensive stories to tell- and as long as no one calls CPS, we can all continue to laugh at my ineptitude.  Welcome to my little slice of the insanity pie.