Baby's First Petroleum Product

I was at a swanky mall yesterday- the kind of mall where the stroller brigade is out in full force.  Don’t bring your Graco travel system there, it will be Bumbleridden over by a Double Uppa Buggaorbit.  You know that kind of place.  I was sitting on a bench, watching my kid get trampled by little flu incubators, when some random child tried to climb into my lap.  Not a little kid, an older kid.  Um, excuse me kid.  I’m fat and you smell funny, so move along.  After I realized she wasn’t going anywhere, I decided to evacuate to the nearest overpriced baby store.

I waddled around inside the store, and I made my way to the cheap(est) stuff in the back.  There was a couple there, inspecting a crib and changing table with a sales woman.  And, I sh*t you not, this is what she was telling them.  “These two together would come to $2,000.  The crib converts to a headboard, so you’re really getting your money’s worth with this one.  ALSO, this features a water based stain that is completely free of petroleum products.  You can never be to careful when it comes to your new baby- you would never want to expose them to petroleum based paint products.  It’s not worth the risk.”

Now since $2,000 is approximately $1,850 more than I spent on my petroleum drenched crib AND mattress, I got to wondering.  What do I consider “not worth the risk” for my baby???  Here’s a handy list of my personal safety tips, for your reference.

1.  If you KNOW someone is a registered sex offender, don’t let them babysit.

2.  Always put out your cigarette out before you breastfeed so you don’t get ash on your baby’s head.

3.  When you drive with your baby on your lap, make sure you put your seatbelt over the both of you. (Britney Spears only)

4.  Texas Chainsaw 3D is too graphic for toddlers- stick with the non-3D version. It’s cheaper anyway.

5.  Just my opinion, but I think those aluminum can tabs are a choking hazard.  Always remove them before giving the can of Coke to your baby.

These are just the minimum standards that any good parent should consider.  And check your crib for petroleum, apparently.  Oh, and don’t use pacifiers that have been dipped in gasoline, and inspect all diapers for antifreeze.  Because really people, it’s not worth the risk.

PS: Do not send me an email letting me know that SERIOUSLY, the petroleum in my kid’s crib is REALLY going to kill her.  I will virtually punch you.