I'm really sick of hearing about percents. First I was sick of hearing about the 99% movement. I guess I'm supposed to be supportive of the whole Occupy movement, but I'm just not. I mean, I didn't go down and throw rocks at anyone. But I also couldn't help but feel like the whole thing was one giant waste of time. Though I haven't checked lately, I'm guessing there are still people camped out somewhere, peeing in buckets and eating six month old granola out of a thermos. I just don't get it, sorry.
Next, I was REALLY SUPER sick of hearing about Mitt's 47%. I mean, honestly. Politicians wouldn't be politicians if they didn't say all sorts of crazy shit. Especially when they don't know they're on camera. I'm pretty sure that a former mayor of DC was smoking crack with hookers on hidden camera- now THAT'S interesting. I'd like to see Mitt Romney doing a keg stand while a bikini-clad Nancy Pelosi holds his legs up. That would hold my attention. But just declaring that you don't really give a crap about 47% of Americans? Big whoop. I don't care about 96% of Americans, and that's on a good day.
But the number one percent I want to kick in the ass? The 5%. That's the percent of women who give birth on their actual due date. Actually, LESS than 5% of women give birth on their due date- and that's just depressing to me- since today IS my due date. If this baby would just come out, maybe I could be doing keg stands with Mitt. Or peeing in a bucket in Central Park. Or smoking crack with one of the numerous hookers I know. But instead, I'm stuck bouncing on some damn yoga ball, waddling endless laps, and crushing up and snorting Zantac 150. FIVE PERCENT??? Damn it, who is behind these statistics? Whoever they are, I have 10 hours left to prove them wrong- and I intend to do so. Does anyone have Marion Barry's number? And do you think he has a hookup for pitocin???
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