I bought my plane tickets for our move last night, which was surreal but also exciting. This is a huge move for us- Florida might as well be another country compared to Massachusetts. Add a new job and buying a house we've never set foot in before, and I need a xanax and a gin and tonic- hold the tonic and pour some scotch for good measure. Actually, what I really want is one of those giant margaritas with the beer bottle stuck in it, except instead of a beer bottle, it should be a tequila bottle. I want a drink that looks like something Snooki would finish off right before being arrested. But I digress.
It's just TWO HOURS. I just keep telling myself that I only have to survive for TWO HOURS. Just survive for two hours, and keep us off of the No Fly List. If you see a crazy woman next to you in the security line muttering "Just don't get tasered. Just don't get tasered." that would be me. Here's a little run down of the procedure in 30 steps or less:
1. Take off my shoes and put in the bin. Notice that socks are covered in dog hair. Gag.
2. Take off Meredith's shoes and put in the bin. Immediately notice a foul odor emminating from them- try to pretend you don't smell it even as a woman behind you begins to retch. Ask TSA lady if she's ok to go through with her tutu on or if it needs to come off. Be told it needs to come off, and it needs its own bin.
3. Take out ipad, put in a separate bin. Tantrum.
4. Take baby out of car seat. Smack her head into the carry handle, as usual.
5. (now holding the baby) Remove car seat from stroller. Notice a strange brown liquid pooled in the seat.
6. (still holding the baby) Fold stroller flat.
7. Take off diaper bag and put it on the belt.
8. Push impossibly long chain of shoes and tutus and stroller and car seat through tiny hole (wait, this is like giving birth!!!)
9. Lose at least two things off the side and knock the baby's head on the conveyer while trying to pick them up.
10. Watch as a 20 year old man stands behind me and does absolutely nothing to help. THANKS, A-HOLE!!!!!!
11. Realize the boarding passes are in the diaper bag that's already gone into the tiny hole.
12. Have the guy standing at the metal detector roll his eyes and say "Just come on through, ma'am."
13. Push Meredith through first- watch her run to the nearest Hudson News and abscond with a bag of M&Ms and last month's Maxim.
14. Walk through with the baby and set off the alarm.
15. Submit to a full body molestation, during which they discover absolutely nothing that would have set off the alarm.
16. Walk back to the conveyer, where your chain of shit has totally backed up the entire line and pissed everyone off- except for a 70 year old woman who will come up to you and say "Enjoy them, they grow up so fast!" Like maybe by the end of this flight? Please?
17. Unfold the stroller.
18. Attach the car seat to the stroller.
19. Ignore the pool of brown liquid in the carseat and stick the baby in there. (Tell yourself it's ok because "she'll get a bath tonight.")
20. Go to put the ipad back into the diaper bag, realize the bag is missing.
21. Put both sets of shoes back on. 100% chance that Meredith's are on the wrong feet. 40% chance that mine are on the wrong feet.
22. Discover the TSA man is holding the diaper bag and saying "Ma'am, do you have liquids in here?"
23. "Just a bottle of tequila."
24. Actually yes, you have bottles with formula in them, which now must be scanned by a little wand with paper over them to make sure that they do indeed contain formula, and not liquid nitrogen.
25. Unscrew the tops of all bottles, dropping at least one nipple onto the athlete's foot ridden floor.
26. Put the bottles back together, put them back into the bag and put the ipad into the bag. Toddler will now scream "I want the IPAD!!!!!!" and throw an extra fun tantrum, on account of the sugar from the M&Ms.
27. Put the diaper bag back on, begin choking back sobs.
28. Walk to gate- discover flight is canceled.
29. Realize that you forgot to pick up the bin with the tutu- tell Meredith that Santa had to come and borrow the tutu because the Easter Bunny needs it to make magic eggs, but that he will bring it back during the fireworks on the Fourth of July. That's the standard procedure in these situations.
30. Make mental note to always pack a back up tutu in the future.
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