Fresh Fish

*to be read in Morgan Freeman’s voice*

When I saw that I had a missed call from Al Cowlings, I should have known that Meredith was plotting something.  Unfortunately, my instinct was correct.  Yes, after nearly three years of life, my child has figured out how to open the baby gate.  To some people, I’m sure this would be no big deal.  But for me, this is the equivalent of discovering she has a prison pen pal.

After all, why shouldn’t she?  I’ve managed to keep her imprisoned for most of her life- it was only a matter of time before she managed to escape.  I thought our four foot high metal walk-through gates might hold her off a little longer- they are unclimbable- they have a button at the top that has to be simultaneously pushed in and lifted.  90% of adults that have come to our house can’t get through them (you know who you are- hang your head in shame).  But alas, it was inevitable.  She could only spend so much time running her sippy cup over the bars and singing “Nobody knows, the trouble I’ve seen…” before it would occur to her to watch how we open it and imitate.  Then she just needed to wait to be tall enough and heavy enough to make it happen.

So in 2103, Meredith Healy escaped from Living Room Prison.  All they found of her was a pair of Dora PJs, a light blue crayon, and an old rock hammer, damn near worn down to the nub.  I used to think it would take 600 years to tunnel through the carpet with it.  Old Meredith did it in less than three.  That’s all it takes really- pressure, and time.  And REALLY wanting a juice box.

But what of her exploits thus far as a free woman?  Well aside from boat restoration in Zihuatanejo, she has fed the dog seven times in one day, flooded the bathroom sink, made a bowling alley out of the plastic recycling, and carved MEREDITH WAS HERE over the doorway.  All while wearing pink glitter dress shoes.