One of the Sexiest Things Ever. Oh Wait, Just Kidding.

I had to sleep sitting up last night, because if I laid flat, stomach acid would creep up into my throat.  This tends to happen when a not-so-tiny human is encroaching on your chest cavity. After I had woken up and couldn’t get back to sleep, I did the only interesting thing you can do at 3 am without getting out of bed- read Twitter on my phone.  And that’s where I stumbled upon this little gem:

Channing Tatum Talks Jenna Dewan-Tatum's Pregnancy: "One of the Sexiest Things Ever" ‪http://eonli.ne/X8V4FV

ha. ha ha. ha ha ha. HA. HA HA HA!!! 

Now look, I don’t deny that Jenna Dewan is quite sexy- especially in an endless parade of yoga pants and sporting a tiny little baby bump.  She is photographed daily, each time leaving yoga or Pilates and always looking amazing.  So it’s not all that hard to imagine that her husband finds her quite sexy.  She is obviously a very healthy person who enjoys taking care of herself and isn’t eating too many buttered pop tarts.  Though let’s not bash Jessica Simpson- she got FOUR MILLION dollars for her pregnancy weight gain.  Her momma didn’t raise no fool.    

Now in my 31^st week of pregnancy, I can say that there ARE actually a few times when I have felt sexy lately.  First of all, I do roll around in bed and moan a lot.  Actually, I moan EVERY time I roll over in bed.  A few weeks ago, I looked in the mirror and thought “Wow- I might actually be glowing!”  But then I realized I just had grease from Five Guys french fries on my forehead.    True, I look less like Demi Moore these days and more like Michael Moore.  But isn’t that just part of the deal?

Luckily, there are so many amazing things about pregnancy that it’s not hard to forget about the sciatica, the female pattern baldness, and the tiny foot on your bladder. All in all, I wouldn’t trade my pregnancy experiences for the world- they are rare and precious.  Who the hell cares that I am not the least bit sexy?  I know I don’t.   These women in Hollywood basically get paid to look good- I don’t get paid for jack sh*t.  Though I don’t know, maybe Five Guys needs a new mascot- I’ll call them and check...

One day soon, (though probably never, let’s be honest) we’ll stop characterizing people by how “sexy” they are.  But until that day, let’s just take a quick second to pay homage to the dad to be- Channing Tatum.  In the words of one quite eloquent commenter on the E! story: HIS THANG IS SO BIG DIES!!!!  Translation: God bless the internet.