Lately, people have been asking me for my suggestions for new baby must-haves. (Really, this is a lie. No one has asked me jack sh*t. But just go with it- it makes me feel useful.) I decided to put together a list of a few of my faves for anyone out there looking for things to put on their registry. Here they are, in no particular order:
Car Seat: If you don't know that you need a car seat, you have some serious problems- call CPS right now and file a preemptive report on yourself. But here's the thing you don't know- those little infant seats are a massive ripoff. Unless you have a mini-baby, they will last you about 7 months, tops. What about the kind that go up to 30 pounds you ask? Show me a 30 pound kid that can fit into one of those things and I will show you a baby with kettle bells in their onesie. You still need one of these, because they really make life easier. But for heaven's sake, buy the cheapest one you can find and hope for the best.
Miracle Blanket: This thing is genius. It's basically a piece of fabric with wings and a pocket- and it will hypnotize your kid. You wrap the wings under their arms, stick their legs in the pocket, google "how to use miracle blanket", unwrap, repeat, scream" WTF!!!" and bam, you're done! This thing immobilizes your baby while simultaneously knocking them out- basically the same thing that a fifth of tequila did to your college boyfriend.
Bottle Sterilizer: You need one of these because they make them, and for no other reason. No one knows what the point is, and no one sterilizes bottles anymore. We're not in ye olden times when the tap water had cholera in it. But still, make sure you get one, or your kid will die.
Dog Poop Bags: These have more uses than I can even name. Poop, vomit, poop stained clothes, actual dog poop, half eaten chicken nuggets you find under the car seat cover, etc. They come on a handy dandy little roll, and you need 15 hidden in various locations throughout your home and car. If there is actual poop in them and you don't have access to trash cans, tie the offending bag to the roof rack for the drive home and hope it flies off on the interstate. That's a great trick I learned from my husband.
Generic Baby Formula: Look, if you're going to be all successful at breastfeeding, congratulations. If you're going to be a hot mess of failure like I was, prepare yourself with the cheapest possible form of infant nutrition: generic baby formula. My pediatrician was the first to clue me into this eighth wonder of the world- but come to think of it, she DID lose her medical license shortly thereafter. Anyway, the stuff is cheap and it's good. My kid is entirely constructed of the stuff, and she's pretty damn awesome. I know, I know, breast is best. But BJs brand "$20 for three years worth" is clearly second best. It's probably just powdered Quick, but if it's good enough to cut cocaine with, it's good enough for me.
Black Lab: I don't know why it has to be black, but that's why I have, so it's clearly the best. You need a dog that is so obsessed with food that you will never have to clean ANYTHING up. My beloved lab follows my kid everywhere, and eats whatever falls from her. And I mean whatever. That dog thinks that spit up is a delicacy- by the time you get the paper towel and the cleaning spray, there is no evidence that there ever was any spit up. Old Cheerios that fall out of the cracks in the recliner? Gone. Stepped-on goldfish carcasses? Gone. Regurgitated broccoli? No more. There is nothing that dog won't eat. Warning: the first time you find dog hair hanging out of your baby's mouth, YOU won't eat for a week. Hey, that's one way to lose the baby weight.
That's all I can come up with for now- maybe I'll add things later on as I start to realize that I am having a baby in SIX WEEKS and have done absolutely nothing- except try to convince myself that Hermione Healy is a REALLY GREAT name. Until then... don't forget your vaccinations! I suggest making sure your Rabies series is complete before even considering parenthood- don't take any risks with either the mangy stray dog you're about to adopt OR the mangy child that will one day lunge for your jugular when you change the channel from Nick Jr. You can never be too prepared.
Black lab lolz.
ReplyDeleteI have another one: get a diaper genie. You won't ever use it for its intended function, but everyone must get one. Instead, position it to redirect child-traffic away from an electrical outlet/stereo/etc.
You did once give me a list of needed baby items. This looks like an exact replica of that list. The only thing missing is Target brand diapers. I did try them, but will stick with Pampers or Huggies until they come up with a better design than large blue and green dots. I felt badly about putting my little girl, who every stranger that crossed our path thought was a little boy, in little boy diapers.
ReplyDeleteI tend to put the diaper UNDER the clothes, which helps keeps strangers from seeing them. Works for me.
ReplyDeleteHaha, this is great Mary-Ellen :) I will add the Wubbanub pacifier. I have no idea why having a stuffed animal attached matters, but my baby seems to know the difference between that and the regular soothie pacifiers. And for some reason it is super cute to see a stuffed animal hanging from my baby's mouth.
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