Target Brand Up and Up Diapers: These are just the best, hands down. If you don't agree, you're doing it wrong. I have some disturbing news for you- all that goes into diapers is pee and poop. Sometimes you find toys or whole, uneaten vegetables in there, but that's a story for another day. You want to do this diaper thing as cheaply as possible, but without giving your baby chemical burns. And don't be conned by the vast left wing cloth diaper conspiracy. Disposable diapers are 100% biodegradable, and comprise 70% of the diet of the baby Panda. If you use cloth diapers, baby Pandas will starve, you heartless bastard. But I digress. Target diapers get the job done in the cheapest way possible- forget the $48 for 12 diapers you would spend for Pampers. PLUS, the brand name diapers try to lure your kids in with adorable characters printed on them that appear or disappear when they pee- like Oh, once you pee enough in this diaper, tiny tears appear on Elmo's cheeks. Sick I tell you, just sick.
Baby Carrier: The easiest way to spend some time denying that you are 100% responsible for another human life is to store said human life in a baby carrier. I personally have the Beco Butterfly 2, which enabled me to keep my child completely safe and comfortable, while at the same time taking a solid hour long time-out from her existence. You will have two hands free, be able to walk around unimpeded, and not feel like your biceps are going to explode. Your baby loves this- they feel secure, and as long and you remembered to snap each of the 9,000 buckles, they probably are. Just remember- remove the baby before using the Slip and Slide or sitting on the subway (see below).
Pacifiers: You need 5,000 pacifiers. One of every brand on the market. Big round ones, fruit shaped ones, ones with stuffed animals attached to them. DO NOT ever find yourself without one, even for a second. When you go to do laundry (I recommend attempting laundry once a month, maximum) you should find three to five pacifiers shoved into the pockets of ever pair of pants you own. You need them in the center console of your car, those little pockets on the front of your suitcase, the medicine cabinet, and shoved between the mattress and box spring of your bed. My kid never even really took a pacifier, and I still find them shoved everywhere- nearly three years later. Going to shake your couch out for change? First of all, that's pathetic- get a damn job. Second of all, 20 to 25 pacifiers better fall out of that thing.
The Boppy: Plenty of people told me that the Boppy wasn't really worth the price, even though I insisted on owning one. As usual, I was right. I mean, how many possible uses can there be for a donut pillow? Turns out, about a million. Here are some of my favorite uses:
1. Sit on it like a hemorrhoid pillow after delivery (if you have to ask why, just take a minute and think.)
2. Put it around your waist and balance your dinner plate on it so you can eat on the couch
3. If you're Andre the Giant, I bet it makes a great neck pillow for travel.
4. When company comes over after the baby is born, put it around your massive, sloppy gut to detract attention from just how massive and sloppy that gut is.
5. When you're trying to nap on the couch at 9 am, put it over your eyes like the blind Star Trek/Reading Rainbow guy to block out the cheerful sunlight that is mocking you in your misery.
You need at least two covers for the Boppy, in case you (or the baby) vomit on it at any point.
I think I will leave you with these four things for today. As always, be sure to check that any products you are going to use haven't been recalled- and use your best judgement. That rusty bear trap that your Uncle Earl made into a bassinet? Probably not 100% safe. That pacifier that you found on the manhole cover behind Denny's? Make sure you run it through the dishwasher. Maybe twice, just to be safe.
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